Thursday, September 22, 2016

Slag Valley Bullett #10

Skirmish Out In The Badlands

By Crippet Toe
An image obtained from Gil Spooge
A vicious gun battle took place out in the badlands, which in itself a common occurrence but rumors suggest that one group of were multi-armed mutant monstrosities or worse! The fact that these creatures had the misfortune to happen on a party of experienced mercenaries was a blessing from The Emperor. Upon further investigation, the mercenaries were identified as a company called The Robbers Militant. Amateur photographer Gil Spooge was out looking for interesting subjects in the badlands when he came upon a group of armed men. Before he could get away from them they opened fire on some other heavily disfigured humans approaching in the other direction. Spooge stated 'The mercs took up good firing positions whilst the freaks approached them'. 'A lot of bullets were flying so I kept my head down, managed to get a couple of good pics, 3 Throne Geld each?'. Close examination of the pictures show that many of the mutants had more than one arm and/or savage claws. Spooge also claimed that he had a pictured of an alien lifeform but after consulting with the Bullett's resident Xenos expert - Semper Excreedius - it is believed to be a clever forgery.


+++Tolerance is the vanity of the weak+++


Astropath Found In Embarrassing Circumstances



By Buxtone Crebstalker
Using dolls, staff members recreate
Drool and Slapp's possible actions.
Imperial Astropath Shilum Drool has been found safe and well in the 'chastisement' section of The Broken Promise, a well known den of iniquity run by lapsed Redemptionist Marthax Slapp. He had previously been reported as missing (Slag Valley Bullet #8). Slapp stated that Drool was held at The Promise until arrangements were made to settle his substancial 'entertainment' bill. Shilum Drool however stated he was being held against his will and was unable to contact other members of Astra Telepathica due to the large amounts of debilerants he was forced to take. Members of the Ecclesiarchy have announced an enquiry. "It is unclear at the moment whether Drool is the victim or the architect of this scandal" a spokeman for Adeptus Astra Telepathica has stated. "But a full and vigorous investigation will be held".


+++Insidious are the wiles of the sinful+++


Cyber Dog Surplus

By Ricco Chunk

Cheap Canines!
A source close to the Guilders has declared that an abundance of healthy sump hound pups and a better than average survival rate of subjects has led to an increase of supply of cybernetically enhanced canines for the general public. As the current fashion uphive is to own genuine underhive bred stock it is thought the temporary surplus won't last for long. Critics have stated that the practise of welding armour to ordinary animals is cruel and unnecessarily painful to the subject. Local Cyberhound dealer Luxlowe Boudikka has dismissed the claims, saying "Steam cleaning the hounds is necessary, how else are the welds to take? A hairy dog is much harder to enhance.". Boudikka went on to say 'I've actually got some new breeds on the way, heavy duty, stealth and herders. Come back in about 3 months'. The debate continues......

+++A faithful servant nevers complains.+++


The Search Continues....

By Ludeley Stange
Bizarro apparently under guard.
Numerous reported sightings of Bizarro the celebrity cat (Slag Valley Bullett #8) have proved wild squig chases or worse, attempts at extorting money from the unfortunate Nonce family. However there have been two credible sightings downhive. Bizarro was observed in the company of several hooded individuals around the small settlement of Tarmac Hill. It was not clear whether Bizarro was being kept captive or not. A second sighting was rummaging around the bins outside Waldos Reconstituted Fish Parlour, in the area of Fornication Gulch known as Badguts . Iglok Nonce - Bizarro's owner - has announced that the reward for Bizarro's safe returned has been doubled to 250 Throne Geld. Critics fear however, that this may lead to opportunistic fortune hunters inundating parts of the Underhive and thwarting the efforts of genuine Bizarro fan club members who have been searching all along.  


++++Notoriety is the vanity of the unjust++++




Archeotech Dig, Looters Feared

By Polac Greiss : Business Editor
Evans and his party leave for Muck Holla
Archeotech hunter and part time lecturer Idaho Evans has started a dig over at the newly uncovered dome named as Muck Holla. It is believed that it could be of great historical significance. Igoes Dare, a labourer recently let go by Evans has said that the dome is 'thought to be the sight of the fabled  Palace of the Tarnished Hag, a powerful Scavvy Princess from over 300 years ago.'. When contacted himself, Evans stated that 'Dare is a drunken sot that knows very little about Archeotech and can barely hold a shovel the right way round!'. He also claims that Dare's comment is a deliberate attempt to attract 'the worst sort of sump scum' in a attempt to sabotage his former employer. When approached by this reporter for an interview Dare said he was too busy as he had 'to gather up some lads so's I can get me some valuable tech. That fragger wiv the funny pants had better keep out of my way too!'.


++++The disgruntled worker is a breeding ground for heresy+++



Volunteers Wanted

Volunteers are wanted to help at the Uncle Ick's Orphanage and Adoption Agency. A recent mine collapse has led to a large number of specimens needing urgent adoption. All ages. Contact Qualid Zepp, U.I.O.A.A. Headquarters, Three Armed Alley, Fornication Gulch.

Apology

The Slag Valley Bullett staff wish to apologise to the proprietor of Syzlak's Bar, Chug Syzlak after incorrectly referring to it as Syzlak's Pukerie (Slag Valley Bullett #9). It is in fact a seller of legal intoxicants and is in no way connected or affiliated to Madame Fung's Drink Til You Pukerie

6 comments:

  1. Hi this is a great idea! Very entertaining and a great way to run any type of campaign or keep a gaming collection going. Thanks for posting this and I am certainly going to "borrow" this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks very much. Borrow away mate! My only condition is that you share your articles with me.

      Delete
  2. My only complaint is your paper costs too much. The Bilgewater Expositor is only 1 credit. I'll be tempted to buy that till you bring your prices down. - An Angry Reader

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Angry Reader,
    The Bilgewater Expositor is hardly a fair comparison to this august publication. The Slag Valley Bullett has a better class of clientele, and a team of highly literate reporters. So stump up the readies to upscale your underhive education!
    - an Angry Print Servitor.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear Print Servitor,

    Desirous of being part of your better class of clientele, I shall desist from heretical questioning of your pricing. However, I must insist that you publish more regularly.

    - An Angry Reader (Level MMDCXLIV)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Angry Reader,
      As the staff at The Slag Valley Bullett are ever eager to please (except for Angry Print Servitor) we have forced a brand new issue through our printers (which made Angry Print Servitor even angrier). We hope this issue meets with your approval.
      -Unctuous Print servitor.

      Delete